Bad? Dog

Every morning I walk to work, unless it is raining. Because in Sierra Leone it doesn’t merely ‘rain’ so much as it ‘colossally downpours’. It is roughly a 15 minute stroll to the hospital and there is plenty to see along the way for people-watching and taking in the sights of a typical day.

There are the school children in all different styles and colors of school uniform, smiling shyly and not-so-subtly staring at me, the white person 😆. There are the large construction trucks with waaaaay too many people crowded into/on top of them, spilling off the sides and backs, honking wildly as they pass. There are women selling many different things, motorbikes coming and going (the people’s primary taxi choice), and my favorite are the vans (poda-podas), cars or small cart-like vehicles (okadas) with the most random quotes and sayings painted boldly across the front. Most are religious based and some are a bit delightfully odd: “To be a Man,” and “Allah is Lion,” are a couple examples. Perhaps my favorite thing I have seen thus far, is a yellow taxi with netting on the front hood and a large brightly-colored beach ball in the netting lol. Um Ok? As I said, there is usually lots to see on my walks to and from the hospital. I also did see the proverbial chicken crossing the road. Yes, watching the pretty, dainty white hen cross the road to the other side whilst dodging Sierra Leonne traffic was enough to make my heart skip a few beats and enough excitement for one day (chickens and hens have free range here and wander about).

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This image is not my own. It is a Google Search image. I think I typed in ‘Sierra Leone vans’ or ‘Sierra Leone poda-podas’.

During one of my first walks to work, I noticed I was getting several somewhat disapproving and annoyed looks from people. I can’t say they were looking directly at me but more in a subtle, roundabout sort of way, almost as if they were looking around, behind, very near to me and then eventually at me. Hmmm, I thought to myself. Enough people looked at me in that way enough times that I began feeling slightly anxious. Perhaps I had offended someone though I didn’t have any ideas on what I may have done. Dressed a certain way I shouldn’t have? Done a gesture that was offensive? I could sense something was up and I began feeling very anxious about it. I continued my walk tense, nervous, and generally having no clue what was going on, a feeling I hate. Well, not necessarily that feeling per say (because living in a foreign country at the moment, the unknown is my status quo mental state). It is  more the feeling of inadequacy and stupidity that comes from not knowing. But also the unknown, too. Ah, anxiety 😐.

In the mornings, there are often many, many people (especially women and children) sitting outside the hospital gate waiting for it to open. I arrived at the hospital on this particular day and the large crowd of people obviously reacted to my arrival. The adults were begrudgingly smiling and the children, several small ones in particular, were practically jumping up and down shouting with glee & grabbing towards me while their parents held onto their diapers to keep them close. All of a sudden, into this attentive riled-up crowd marched (well, more like ran amok) Smile himself! He is one of our house dogs we adopted from the streets before I had even arrived here. Ah!! Smile had followed me to work! That would explain the looks I was getting as Sierra Leone isn’t necessarily a pet-centric culture and they probably thought the dog was being a nuisance by following me.

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Meet Smile. One of the house dogs that had been adopted before I arrived here. SierraLeone, 2017.

I literally had no idea he was behind me as Smile is apparently a ninja. I never heard or saw him until he got to the hospital and decided to make his grand entrance through the crowd of adults and children and cause a bit of light-hearted raucous.

This little event got me thinking about our fear of the unknown. All during my walk I felt a mild unease and anxiety based on the extra attention I was getting and the fact that I didn’t know what was going on. However, once I got to the hospital and Smile waltzed into the crowd, I realized that this “unknown” thing hanging over me actually turned out to be a lovely little surprise: a silly, stupidly happy, enormously friendly, mange-ey doggie that made all the kids smile and giggle while they waited to enter the hospital. The worse thing to be anxious about in this situation was just that Smile would give too many kisses to someone lol. Orrrrrrr, that he’d be triaged into the patient queue right alongside all the kiddos awaiting medication injections lol 😆 (Sidenote: apparently Smile has done this type of thing before and has followed many a colleague to the hospital lol. Now I am on to him and know when he follows me 😏).

So perhaps we can all try to be a little more open-minded about the things Life has in store for us. Notice, I didn’t say “more optimistic and positive” or “be less anxious” because really, we all know Life is messy and can be *very* hard and complicated and anxiety is a serious matter you don’t just decide you will not have any more. So, I am not a simpleton in my views but alongside all my routine feelings, I want to consciously carve out a little more space in my psyche for the unexpected surprises. Really I want to give things a small but viable chance to take shape, their own. Before I inadvertently smother or stifle them with my expectations, I want a chance for all the unknowns to turn into unexpected surprises, all the dreads into wonderful detours, and all the anxieties into something as silly as a little black and white doggie running into a crowd of beautiful Sierra Leone babies to get pettin’s and to give lovin’z.

Because lets be real, guys. Life will contunue to surprise us all. But maybe we can all just be ever so slightly more willing to see just what could happen instead of what we think will and should happen. And of many, MANY surprises both big and small I have already discovered while being here in Africa, I was never expecting to be surprised at the hospital by a dog named ‘Smile’, of all things. And I know all the children will cheer to that. In fact, they already did.

 

Salone: Everything So Far

Hello all. Well, it is definitely time I sat down and committed some time to writing a little bit more about my experience here in Sierra Leone (or Salon, as it is also called in Krio, one of the most common native languages that are spoken here). I have experienced a monumental amount in the roughly 7 weeks I have been here. I have had a very busy schedule and hectic workload, but I am still committed to writing a blog post every month. I have posted a few things regarding my time here on Facebook so this is just a little more detail for those who may be curious. Thus, here is a short summary for those who are wondering about the type of work I am doing here. And now that I have a sort of “routine” down, hopefully I can find time to post more consistently. So, here goes:

EMERGENCY hospital is an NGO that provides free healthcare to victims of war in different areas of the world. Here in Sierra Leone, I work at a surgical hospital. Mostly, we treat serious traumatic, orthopedic injuries (like open femur fractures, i.e. bones sticking out) and surgical emergencies related to the abdomen (ruptured appendixes, perforated abdomens related to typhoid fever, and obstructed hernias). Stabbings, blunt traumas, horrible car accidents and head injuries are very common for the hospital too. We also treat burns (unfortunately, much too common for children here) and we have the only program in the country that treats esophageal injuries. Basically, this is a poor country. To make extra money, many families make soap to sell. One ingredient used in soap-making is a clear, odorless and tasteless caustic chemical substance. If it is left laying around in bottles or jars, it looks like water, thus many kids mistakenly drink it and their esophagus is burned and damaged, usually for life. I help manage this “caustic soda” program as these are very ill patients with chronic health problems. They need continued esophagus dilations (every month or every few months), gastrostomy tube placements and specialized, highly nutritious foods for the tube feedings, since many of them cannot eat by mouth after ingesting the caustic soda.

We treat adults and children. I work in the Emergency Department, doing patient care right alongside the Sierra Leone nurses and doctors. I have many duties in the ER, but the ultimate goal and task is to teach and learn from each other as we work alongside one another. Along with my other international colleagues (they are from U.S., U.K., Serbia, Italy, etc.), I am responsible for managing the bed situation in the hospital (i.e. who needs admission & what ward they should go to; really, this is a very big juggling act as the hospital is usually either completely full or very near full capacity). I am on call every 3rd night and 3rd Sunday, which often means either staying at the hospital very late and/or going into the hospital multiple times in the night to manage new admissions. Days off are very few and far between. As you can imagine, the Emergency Department for a hospital that provides free high-quality care and literally everything else for free (including food, prescription medicines, and either months or years of follow-up care), is very busy. The days are long but full and interesting.

A Couple of Everyone's Favorite Patients
I wrestled with myself as far as posting pictures of patients. I decided to post very sparingly of them and only pictures which capture their beauty, strength, resilience and triumph over their illnesses. The girl on the left is a “Winner,” a term we use to describe patients who no longer need the hospital’s services as their esophageal injuries from caustic soda ingestion have healed. A “Winner” is very rare occurrence as most patients who have ingested the caustic soda suffer very serious lifelong esophageal & other health issues.

I also oversee the hospital’s dressing room (i.e. the wound care department), plaster room (i.e. where all the casts are applied and all the follow-up for fractures is done). The hospital also has 2 “Guest Houses” (male and female), a dorm-like area for patients who are discharged but still need follow-up care and live much too far away (in the “Provinces” which are rural, isolated villages) to return consistently. I am responsible for the Guest Houses as well.

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This was one of the first babies I took care of that came through the Emergency Room. Once she was admitted to the ward, I made time to visit her every day. It was clear her mother adored her and doted on her. We both did lol. The day this picture was taken, she is getting ready to leave the hospital after almost 6 weeks of being in a special traction device for a broken femur. Her mother was trying to get her to smile for me but this beautiful baby girl was often very serious lol.

So that’s my job in a nutshell. My days are framed by a very early morning call to prayer that is broadcast over speakers from the Muslim mosque (before sunrise when I am already awake getting ready for work). And the end of the day is marked by a sunset and hundreds and hundreds of bats flying back to wherever it is that they go. Really, both things are quite beautiful and so unique compared to anything I’ve experienced back home. I don’t know why I like the silly bats so much. I think it’s because it’s such a dichotomy: the mysterious, clandestine “creatures of the night” making a very dramatic & brilliant showing against the remaining sunlight and still-bright cloud filled sky. I never saw bats in the U.S. and if I did I certainly never saw them like this. Friends and family, I think for now, that is how I will summarize the last few weeks here lol.

I never saw X in the U.S. and if I did, I never saw X like this.

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This is the house I stay in. All the international medical workers who are here have their own room and then the living room, kitchen, bathrooms/showers are shared spaces.
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Sunset at the hospital.
That’s all for now, but stay tuned for more posts later.

 

Trails to Lines

It is not always a good omen when there is a dead cow carcass at the trail-head of your planned hike lol.

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Just a dead cow… or a bad omen?!

I had hiked this area about a year prior with a friend of mine and because the area is very special to me, I wanted to see it again before I left the States so I decided to hike it myself. Now, what many people don’t realize about me is I am quite scared most of the time. Of quite a lot of things. I may come across as adventurous and daring, but on the inside, at least 85% of the time I am scared. Case in point, on my hike I came across some cow hoof prints. The ground was muddy and soft and I couldn’t 100% make them out, but somehow my mind took a fairly clear outline of a cow print and twisted it into a mountain lion paw print and after I decided that I was probably being tracked, i.e. stalked by a mountain lion, I ended up “Google Imaging” cow vs. mountain lion prints when I had a small sliver of service. And indeed, I probably was being stalked. By a cow. Probably the ghost of the dead cow mentioned above. But moving on…ah, it’s fun when your mind plays tricks on you 🙂

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I was also scared of this tree/cocoon thing. But I thought it was super cool too 🙂

However, I have decided that for the most part, I can live with fear but I cannot live with not actively choosing the things I want to do in my life. I can’t live with sitting on the sidelines and not pursuing the things that speak to my soul. In my mind, I always picture myself finely dressed at a tea party. I’m surrounded by very dear and valued guests, friends and family. “Fear” is a guest there too. He’s socializing with myself and the other guests, not being a nuisance or anything like that except for eating too many scones. But Fear is very much present and accounted for. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is “Fear” spiking the tea with alcohol, becoming belligerent and obnoxiously monopolizing the spotlight at the party to go on a lengthy, awful tirade about all the reasons to be scared about life. All the reasons why nothing will ever work. So I will always try to acknowledge Fear’s presence and we can say hello and exchange simple pleasantries, but I don’t want to give him too much a monopoly on my time, energy or attention. He can take the backseat (or preferably the trunk) since he insists on coming along for the ride, for the trip, for the lifetime. And you can bet your beehives that he does not touch the radio lol 🙂

Anyways, my summer hike was to the Natural Bridges (also called the Land Bridges) in Terry, Montana. It was quite a lovely little hike. However, there was one moment of serious doubt and despair. At one point, after I had been walking along for many miles, the trail looked like it had ended. It just stopped abruptly. I looked everywhere for any continuation, any sign of a path. I could not find one. The picture below is what the ending of my hike looked like, or so I thought. Ruin. I had not visited this area in a long time so I thought that perhaps some terrible disaster, either natural or man-made, had befallen my beloved bridges.

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RUIN! 😦 Or so I thought….

After about 30 minutes of sitting there feeling very low, I stood up to leave. I was near a little meadow of flowers/weeds that were very dense and very high, almost past my waist. At the moment I walked over to the edge of it, a little breeze picked up and shifted the flower-weeds a bit. There was a moment where the sun hit JUST RIGHT and I could just make out the thinnest and tiniest of trails going through the flower patch!!! You guys, I’m not kidding you. It was literally like the Universe was sending the gift of a sign just for little ‘ol me to see! The pictures do not do it justice. You will just have to trust me, that with how tired and hot I was from walking all day (and my thirst and hunger), it was very hard to spot. The line (as I wouldn’t even call it a trail at this point) through them was so thin and the way the sun and light hit, I could just barely make it out.

But it was a sign, regardless. I decided to follow it as best I could and it wonderfully led me to one of my all-time favorite special places:

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Terry, MT. Land Bridges (Natural Bridges). Summer 2017.
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Terry, MT Land Bridges (Natural Bridges). Summer 2017.

This whole lost-and-then-rediscovered-and-revealed trail thing got me thinking. Sometimes Life feels impossibly hard and you often feel like you are at the end of your marked “trail”. All you want to do is sit on the dirty ground and cry in sheer frustration of it all. Sometimes you feel so tired, hungry, hot, and just downright lost and I don’t think that is abnormal. In fact, the way I have been feeling lately (growing pains on top of a broken heart on top of all the standard everyday less-than-positive emotions that we cycle through), I think it’s quite normal.

What I do truly believe though, is though we may feel we are at the end of our “trails” there will always, always be a sign. Something will always reveal itself to us, though we may have to sit in the dirt and on the ground miserably for awhile (wishing we had brought more Cliff bars lol). Or we just have to sit in silence with ourselves, period, miserable or not. If we can choose to be brave enough to look, NOT to be without fear but simply make the choice to really truly see things, there could be a line just barely discernible. Certainly not the marked trail we grew accustomed to, but something will be there inviting us to see it. See it for what it is. And if we are brave enough, that something just may feel that it can speak to our soul and invite us to cross the line. To follow it.

So be brave, my friends. Be willing to sit in the silence, in the unknown, in the despair if need be. Most importantly, be willing to look for the next sign. It will come. And bring along enough Cliff bars for the journey 😉

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Oh my heavens, I simply LOVE the Badlands scenery. One of my friends described the landscape as “moon rocks”. 🙂
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Oh ya, this bridge scared me too. But it’s not bad at all! You have to cross it to get to the Land Bridge Hike.

 

Wild Horses and a Shuttle Ride in Florida

A few months ago, I was on my way to Dunnellon, Florida for a 2 week vacation. I was traveling with my mother back to my parent’s condo. I had worked the day prior (and a good portion of the night) and we had spent that entire day flying from MT to FL. By the time our shuttle picked us up from the Orlando airport at roughly 6pm, I was hungry, tired and a bit grumpy as we had spent that day rushing to and from gates in 3 different airports. Ah, sweet Travel! (But really, how amazing is it that at 6am I was in northeastern MT and by 6pm FL time, I was all the way across the country?! But I digress. We boarded the van that was to take us to our drop off point. There were just a few other people aboard, a couple and a middle-aged woman. The couple got off at one of the earlier stops and then it was just my mother and I and the woman.

Even in my tired/’don’t really want to make small talk with people’ state, I could tell there was something different about this woman. I could sense an internal tension and something seemed to be amiss, though I couldn’t quite place it. She seemed to be in what I can only describe as a controlled distress, if that makes sense. My mom is quite social and from a generation where they weren’t raised with their faces glued to a digital screen, thus her and the woman easily and naturally made small talk. I joined in on the conversation and the ride went along nicely.

The woman eventually asked what I did for a living and when I told her I am a nurse who works in a hospital, the expression on her face immediately changed. Everything sort of cracked open. Her demeanor became pained and she was vulnerable as she disclosed a whole number of things, primarily that she had just flown into town to be at the bedside of her best friend who was dying very suddenly and unexpectedly of a just-discovered cancer. I asked her a bit about this person she so loved. I learned that she was in her early 50’s, a mother and wife who loved life and horses and was excellent at working with them, something that the woman and her had shared over the decades. She told me lots of things about her friend, too many to adequately express in writing. Then she showed me a picture of the two of them together from when they must have been in their early 20’s. Both of them smiling ear to ear. Both of them radiating an ethereal joy and the fearlessness that comes from that age where you have nothing but the boundless possibility of the plethora of years assumed to be ahead of you.

The woman then said to me, “because you are a nurse, I need to ask you something. What should I do? What should I do when I get there and I am at her bedside? How do I make her feel better? How do I make her know that her life wasn’t in vain because her death was too damn early? How does she know she’s lived a full life? How do I know?” All of this said with tears in her eyes. It was a lot. Obviously, she wasn’t really expecting me to answer her questions. I think it was more just feeling as if she could express such big fears and anxieties in the presence of a medical professional who has stood at the bedside of many people taking their final breaths. Sometimes just declaring something so monumental makes the shadow it casts over you recede just enough so you can grasp it’s form/shape. Still. It was such a jolting conversation.

I have been thinking about that car ride for months. I am humbled that the woman confided such private thoughts and deep grief with me. I feel like the questions she asked out loud are so important and they have been echoing at the back of my mind near daily ever since. Mainly, how DOES one live a life that is worthwhile? A life that when it comes to its timely or untimely end, the end does not overshadow the middle, all of the magical in-between? A life that is so full and complete it leaves our loved ones left behind with a small sense of peace amidst all the cacophony that is grief? Whose or what “standards” do we use? If there are standards are there rules too? How do we live to our full potential, if there is such a thing? How do we prioritize all of the love we have to give, dreams to achieve, startling sights to see, adventures to be experienced? How do we find the time and strength to grow when we know growth doesn’t come from comfort but recognize that the foundation of a daily routine can be incredibly nurturing to the soul, allowing for growth of a different kind? How can we be fully present in the daily minutiae and quell the constant hovering FOMO (fear of missing out)? How can we make sense of deep pain, or if no sense can be made, learn to respect & acknowledge it so that it is just a thread in our story, still important but just a backdrop to the vividly colored patchwork that makes a vibrant quilt of life? Can any of these questions even be answered or just…felt, experienced, lived?

A couple months later, I went on a trip to the Pryor Mountain Wild Horse Range. It was so so lovely (I highly recommend Pryor Wild Tours). After trekking about 10,000 feet up, the rocky & harsh mountainous landscape opened up to a beautiful hilly grassland full of purple, pink, blue & yellow wildflowers. I saw close to 100 wild horses and even a few mustang quarrels (though not the full on battles, thankfully). From a distance, I did get to see a stampede of many horses racing across the grasslands directly in the valley below us. It lasted only a few seconds as the herd itself numbers maybe around 120-130 in total and they often hang out in smaller groups. I was close enough to see their manes flipping about wildly in the wind. In that moment I thought of that woman in the shuttle. I thought of her friend who had likely passed away; their shared & deep love of horses. I don’t know if I actually heard the sound of the stampeding horses’ galloping into the distance or if my mind was playing tricks on me. I couldn’t help but think just how fleeting it all is. How important it is to just try to remember that sometimes; to acknowledge this even through our fear of it. To try and treasure, as best we can do in our finite human capacity, Life’s little and big moments. Every one of them we can.

Because maybe if we are lucky, a lifetime of all those moments added up will be a life that is beautiful simply because it is truly,

Enough.

I won’t ever forget that woman in the shuttle and all the questions she asked that day. I would like to live my life in such a way that I can maybe find my own answers to them. However, even if they are never meant to be answered, maybe her questions are just some of those very moments themselves.